No Ifs, Ands, or… Actually, More Ands

“But, but, but……but”

Let’s talk about a tiny word that shows up everywhere, often without us even noticing: but.

It slips into our sentences when we’re trying to soften something.
It shows up when we’re caught between two truths.
It’s there when we feel like we have to choose—between emotions, between our experiences, between how we feel and how we think we should feel.

“I love my family… but they’re really hard to be around.”
“I know I’m doing my best… but it doesn’t feel like enough.”
“I want to take care of myself… but I feel selfish.”

Sound familiar?

But Cancels What Came Before

One of the reasons I’ve come to dislike the word “but” is that it often functions like an eraser. It wipes out whatever came before it—as if it doesn’t matter, or wasn’t true.

“I love them, but…”
It’s like saying, “That love is irrelevant.”

“I’m proud of myself, but…”
Suddenly, that pride is no longer there.

We use “but” to make things neater than they really are—to try to hold one thing instead of another. Life, and healing, are rarely that simple. We’re often feeling multiple things at once. And that’s okay.

Try And Instead

Here’s a simple but powerful shift:

Try replacing “but” with and.

“I love my family and they’re really hard to be around.”
“I know I’m doing my best and it doesn’t feel like enough.”
“I want to take care of myself and I feel selfish.”

Do you feel the difference?

“And” doesn’t force you to choose. It lets everything breathe a little. It honours the fact that human experience is often messy, layered, and full of contradiction. That’s not a flaw—it’s part of what makes us real.

Why This Matters in Therapy

In therapy sessions, I often hear people soften something meaningful they’ve just said by immediately following it with a “but.”

“I actually felt kind of good this week… but this week is going to be terrible.”
“I spoke up for myself… but I think I came off too strong.”

These moments are often where something really important is trying to come through. Noticing the “but” can be a cue: let’s pause here. Let’s go back to what you said first, and give that some space.

Sometimes the things we say before the “but” are actually the things we most need to say out loud. And learning to let them stand on their own can be part of the healing work.

Everyday Language, Everyday Compassion

This isn’t about getting rid of “but” forever. We all use it. You'll definitely hear me use it too—and when I catch myself, I’ll often make a lighthearted, animated correction. Not to be performative, but to acknowledge just how natural this habit is and how powerful it can be to practice something different.

Becoming more aware of how we speak to and about ourselves—especially in those small, subtle ways—can gently shift how we relate to our own experience.

“I’m trying and I’m hurting.”
“I deserve love and I don’t know what I need.”

“I believe I matter and I still question it sometimes.”

There’s room for all of it.

Final Thought

Language shapes how we meet ourselves. And when we soften the sharp edges of our words, we often find we’re also softening the way we hold ourselves.

So maybe the next time you catch a “but” trying to sneak in, try swapping it for “and.”
Let the full truth of your experience be heard.

You don’t have to choose one feeling over another.
You don’t have to explain away your joy or your pain.
You’re allowed to hold both.

Warmly,

Abbey